The Family Guy Theme Ringtones
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23
@Ellis
1071
Louis: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on T.
V.
Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values, on which we used to rely?
Brian: It used to be, a big time star was elegant as Garbo, or Hedy Lamarr.
Stewie: But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez, you want to curl up and die.
Lucky theres a Family Guy.
Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the things that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and cry!
Hes a Family Guy!
Louis: When I was young, the songs were fair, with Mister Johnny Mathis, and Sonny and Cher.
Peter: But now we get Justin Timber-homo.
Louis: A heartache all gone awry!
Brian: The classic films were works of arts, the images were graceful, the stories were smart.
Stewie: But now we get Matrix Revolution, Im sorry I know this doesnt rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?!
Lucky theres a family guy, lucky theres a fella, sweeter than vanilla, wholesome as a piece of-
Stewie: Apple Pie!
Hes a family guy!
Lois: His smiles a simple delight.
Chris: He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites.
Lois: Peter!
Meg: He bought me my cute little hat.
Brian: Yeah we should have a talk about that.
About that!
And his hat!
Brian: Hes mastered the comedy arts.
Stewie: He says, Look out, Hiroshima!
Then casually farts. (fart sound effect)
Lois: Hes loaded with sexy appeal.
Peter: And best of all my titties are real.
Have a feel!
Brian: No thank you.
Stewie: I gave it the office.
Lois: The Brady Bunch has got their Mike and pretty Laura Petrie has Dicky Van Dyke.
But who around here could fill those loafers?
But heres a happy reply.
Lucky theres a family guy.
Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the thing that make us-
Stewie: Laugh and Cry!
Hes a Family Guy!
Hes a Family Guy!!!
Lois: Oh My!
Thank you very much!
What a welcome.
Peter: I am gunna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Im kidding for Christs sake, Im not serious.
Thats expensive!
Look, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you Im generous; I shouldnt actually have to spend any money.
Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit?
Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright.
Stewie: You know Brian, I- I just noticed something.
With that light shining on you from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr.
Brian: Yeah, youve told me that before and uh, its interesting, because Im thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears.
Stewie: Really?!
How so?
Brian: Well, you- you got that thing going on with your eyes like Britney does.
You know where
You know how her eyes are just like a hair too far apart?
Uh, a- a- almost like there was some immediate post-birth surgery that should have been done but it was the south, so they didnt have the medical technology.
Stewie: Oh, I see.
Chris: Mom!
Lois: Yes honey?
Chris: I have a wedgie.
Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission.
Then you can fix it.
Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight.
We got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show.
Lois: Thats right!
For example, not a lot of people know this, but in one episode of the show there was a flashback of Brian when he was a puppy.
Now, they couldnt find a puppy who looked enough like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene, and the actor of inside the suit was Raven-
Symoné, who was Olivia on the Cosby show.
Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia.
Peter: All right, okay, I got one for ya.
You know the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right?
Now one of the stage hands was telling me a- a pretty intense story.
I guess there was one night when they were all ready to shoot, and uh, the audience was waiting.
And uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur.
So everybodys freaking out and uh, then one of the producers runs in and says Cancel the show tonight.
Bea Arthurs in jail!
Lois: Oh My God!
Peter: Yeah.
Apparently she had a little too much to drink before the show and uh, they found her standing on the street corner, exposing her penis to traffic.
Brian: Oh My God!
Meg: Ew!
Thats Disgusting!
Peter: Can you believe that?
Brian: Wait a minute.
How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis?
Peter: Eh, special permit.
Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors?
Theyre perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk.
Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid.
Stewie: Oh, its a record album for Gods sake.
Lets cut loose a bit.
Chris: Nipples!
Hehe.
Stewie: Perfect example.
Although I must say I am amazed at the language you can get away with on television these days.
I- I was watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to god, I heard someone use the word balls.
And I thought to myself, My God, that- that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesnt he?
Bringing words like balls into Americas living rooms.
I wonder how hed like it if I just walked into his living room a- and use the word balls.
Brian: Uh I think that would be breaking and entering.
Lois: You know, I am so glad they allowed us to bring Stewie this evening.
The last show we did we had to leave him at home.
They didnt allow babies in the theater.
Brian: Well of course.
People wanted to be able to enjoy the show
Stewie: I am a show you lack-witted beetle head!
Ugh!
Oh what a night that was.
My babysitter was a total bitch.
Lois: Stewie!
Thats very rude.
Especially since your babysitter is here tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms.
Hailey Duff.
Hailey Duff: Hi Mr.
And Mrs.
Griffin
Peter: Howre ya, sweetheart?
Lois: So was it really that bad babysitting Stewie?
Hailey Duff: You want the truth?
Well, okay.
So after you and Peter left for dinner, I- No.
Wait a minute.
Lets tell this story right.
Please.
30
@Cody
170
29
@Louis
102
30
@Austin
602
30
@Bobby
242
30
@Gethin
4,113
It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies, and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry!
He's a family guy!
24
@Azra
102
30
@Ambra
85
30
@Agata
153
30
@Sonny
204
29
@Sanne
102
25
@Ioan
918
9
@Harris
85
30
@Madeline
1377
30
@Osian
184
33
@Liam
748
27
@Nathan
282
26
@Samuel
170
12
@Vanda
255
21
@Petja
102
30
@Ioan
85
30
@Tui
0
30
@Adna
0
30
@Nolan
1394
30
@Olive
68
Lois: ...Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world.
Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know I haven't always been the perfect spouse.
Lois: You do OK.
Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house.
Lois: Well you do do that.
Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse.
Lois: What?!
Peter: I may be thoughtless.
Lois: No you're not.
Peter: I may be sloppy
Lois: Well, a little
Peter: I may be stupid.
Lois: Well, a lot.
Peter: But I'm yours
Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be.
Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds.
Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me.
Peter: Thank you.
Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee.
Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}.
Peter: I may be chubby.
Lois; Well, 296.
Peter: I may be lazy.
Lois: sorry, 298.
Peter: I may be clumsy
Lois: Only often
Peter; But I'm yours
Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me?
Peter: I would use him to mop up the street.
Lois: You would?
Peter: You bet. I got a left hook.
Lois: What if he was big?
Peter: I got a right hook
Lois: What if he was a woman?
Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless.
Peter: I may be Irish.
Peter: But I'm yours.
Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to?
That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true.
Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through.
Lois: Will you empty the trash?
Peter: I got a backache.
Lois: Will you fix the toilet?
Peter: I got a headache.
Lois: Will you vacuum the den?
Peter: I got a penis
Lois: You're a sexist.
Peter: But I'm yours.
Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize.
A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes.
Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys.
Peter: I may be phobic
I may be stinky
I may be farting {farts}
But I'm yours.
Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me?
Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores.
Lois: Lions?
Peter: I got a shotgun.
Lois: Tigers?
Peter: I got a blowtorch.
Lois: The Christian right?
Peter: I got a porno.
Lois: That'll do it.
Peter: Cause I'm yours.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey.
Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy.
Peter/Lois: I may be Peter.
Peter/Lois: And I'm yours.
{Applause}
Brian: Hey, you smell something?
Stewie: Oh, dear.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Oh, dear.
Brian: What's the matter?
Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this.
Brian: What?
Stewie: I just made a doody.
Brian: Oh, God.
Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced.
Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"?
Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol.
Brian: Do you need a change?
Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one.
Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.
30
@Joshua
1,851
They're creepy, and they're cooky
Mysterious and spooky
They're all together ooky
The Addams family
Their house is a museum
When people come to see 'em
They really are a scream
The Addams family
Neat
Sweet
Petite
So get a witches shawl on
A broomstick you can crawl on
We're gonna pay a call on
The Addams family
34
@Bobby
1360
25
@Nolan
323
27
@Thomas
85
19
@Cody
578
30
@Jesse
68
30
@Rhys
17
30
@Agnieszka
34
29
@Frankie
357
30
@Izabella
415
30
@Dagmara
0
40
@Petra
136
35
@Madalena
476
15
@Cameron
102
30
@Caleb
0
20
@Marty
1581
40
@Reuben
204
30
@Emina
561
29
@Ekaterina
85
18
@Yana
345
25
@Harrison
306
24
@Emrick
340
30
@Aleksandra
0
30
@Amahle
0
15
@Lusy
19,001
28
@Diane
17
15
@Hedda
0
30
@Ewa
0
Bill Nye, the Science Guy!
Bill Nye, the Science Guy!
Bill, Bill, Bill
Bill, Bill, Bill
Bill Nye, the Science Guy!
Science rules
Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill
Bill Nye, the Science Guy!
Science guy
30
@Katarzyna
136
20
@Rory
0
30
@Triana
0
26
@Etienne
221
29
@Iga
85
30
@Zachary
0
30
@Adrienn
2,617
Arms like branches of a poplar tree
Eyes like the ocean or the great big blue sea
Love just like my mother's with a price, it's not free
Hoo-ooh-ooh, ooh-hoo, hmm
Voice like my father's, when he screams the house shakes
Dreams like my brother's, oh, we pray for his sake
Hopes just like my mother's, only last 'til her wake
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ah, ooh-ooh
That's my family
Oh, we don't like each other very much
Oh, I'm okay with that
But it breaks my mother's heart
Ah-ah
Ooh-ooh
Ah-ooh
That's my family
When I'm alone, that's when
I feel the safest
Don't like being touched
Please, don't give me a hug
That's my family (that's my family)
You're my family (you're my family)
I found my family (I found my family)
This is my family
That's my family (oh-oh-oh-oh)
Oh-oh-oh-oh-whoa (oh, whoa)
Oh-oh-oh, oh, whoa
Whoa, oh, oh, whoa
Whoa, oh-oh
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, whoa
Whoa-oh-oh-oh, whoa
Whoa-oh-oh, whoa
Whoa, oh-oh
15
@Nisa
34
30
@Yagmur
170
30
@Nela
255
18
@Sofija
221
Ooh
The greatest stories ever told
Have a hero who must be bold
They learn a sense of right and wrong
And better learn the sense through song
Musicals tell the impossible (The impossible)
They evoke the philosophical, ooh yeah
So tonight we're gonna chronicle
A story so astronomical
The last remaining story to tell
The guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
I mean what the fuck?
(Didn't like, did not like-a-like 'em)
He's the guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
Yeah, what the fuck?
(Didn't like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
In the tiny town of Hatchetfield
Lived an awful grinch named Paul
He spends his days surfing the web
And not singing and dancing with us all
Should we kill him? Should we kill him?
Oh, he pines after a cute little barista
Isn't that worth a show stopping fiesta, yeah
But for some damn reason
He won't join our singing season
What an ass
What a bitch
What a cock
The guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
I mean what the fuck?
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
He's the guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
Na, na, na, na, na...
Na, na, na, na, na, ah...
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
It's the end of the world, Paul (end of the world)
If you don't sing (if you don't sing)
This is the bridge, Paul (this is the bridge)
Where we globalize everything
And the words will come to you
We swear we will teach you
What it means to love
What it means to obey, Paul
The apotheosis is upon us
Yay!
Did you hear the word?
What's the word?
He's a coming
Who's a coming?
Paul's a comin'
Paul's a comin'?
The star of the show
Now for his headlining entrance
Time to swoon at his leading man essence
His name is in the title
He's destined to go viral
Here he is
His name is Paul
Enter now!
Where the fuck is he?
I have no fucking clue
The guy just doesn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em) Yeah
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
He's the guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, ah...
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em) Ooh
And he definitely won't like me, yeah
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
He's the guy who didn't like musicals
(Didn't like, didn't like, didn't like-a-like 'em)
Na, na, na, na, na
Na, na, na, na, na, ah...
(Didn't like, did not like, did not like like-a-like 'em)
Paul, you piece of shit
30
@Astrid
0
25
@Jacob
1190
27
@Nina
153
24
@Julita
135
29
@Adrian
170
22
@Klaudia
663
Granny Green was stooped as a windblown branch
She lived high in the Bramble forest
Once a fork night if the moon shown right
She came down to her little village
She brought blackberries and willow bark
Mandrake root and mushrooms
And it was said she spoke the tongue of birds
And understood the river's whispers
Now several girls among our town
By a golden lizard they were bitten
And those sweet girls lay stiff in their beads
Like frozen ice upon the branches
Granny Green mixed a tonic for their ills
But it was such a bitter tonic
That all who drink began to dance
And could not stop their dancing
But none would danced one sinful step
If that old crone had not bewitched us
How we leaped in Princeton cackle
The whole town of driving mad men
And so desperate grew some to still their feet
They dove into the raging river
Still we danced all day and night
Til our fine clothes were torn and ragged
I'm crying out "Oh Lord, make us stop"
We danced naked around the chapel
How granny laughed to see such sin
There's just water, she said, in my tonic
But all cried out "she lies, she surely lies"
And we chased her deep into the Bramble
But like before wind she disappeared
Though we searched round and round the branches
Rolling in leafs and naked 'neath the trees
We lost the way back to our village
But I swear we were all pure of heart
Til that old crone did bewitch us
And I know we will all go home
When the good Lord returns to save us
23
@Yagmur
510
29
@Meryem
544
20
@Rugile
102
15
@Nuria
358
No more Mr. Nice Guy
I'm wishing you believe in
You think that everybody wants you
Your nose is itching and you're so slow
To tell me everything about you
Yeah, but I already know you
Don't believe in things that don't believe in you
Believe in you
All the things that you do will come back on you
See them true
You want to spend some time together
Suspended like a feather
But you're acting like a Nico
Playing with your ego
Always trying with the right crowd
Never alone turn it up loud
Don't believe in things that don't believe in you
Believe in you
All the things that you do will come back on you
So, see them true (ah!)
No more Mr. Nice Guy
Don't believe in things that don't believe in you
Believe in you
Everything that you do will come back on you
So, see it true (ah!)
No more Mr. Nice Guy
25
@Miriam
254
I won't say it to your face
So I'll write a song about it
I won't say it to your face
So I'll write a song about it
I love you like a sister
I love you like a sister
I mean, come on
We've been friends this long
I love you like a sister
So I watch you like a hawk
Sorry but I just can't help it
So when you talk about him
And tell me the things that he tells you
And the stuff he pulls off
The red flags are a-poppin'
The alarms are a-ringin'
I can't say I'm his number one fan
You call me to rant and it's totally fine
We've both seen each other's ugly cry
It's none of my business, but it kinda is
'Cause you talk to me about it all the time
And I understand that you love him and I respect that
But I kinda want to punch him in the balls
Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP?
Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP?
We'll throw a big party
I'll buy the balloons and the booze
There'll be a buffet of Kleenex
We'll be ready for the grand ol' cryfest
Ice cream, Nutella and chips
You name it, I got it
But until that day comes
I'll listen and wait patiently
And tell myself
Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP?
Wouldn't it be lovely if you'd just dump the guy ASAP?
30
@Elija
41,028
30
@Manaia
3,942
30
@Alessandra
841
30
@Ida
379
30
@Ronan
223
30
@Yara
1,377
She said, I never thought I'd see you here
Hanging on this side of town
What's it been, about a year
Yeah, boy, look at you now
I heard you got a new job
Things are takin' off
Just like I thought they would
I said it's all good
But you should see the other guy that's missin' you
Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home
Girl, he can't move on
And his heart still takes a beatin'
Just livin' with your leavin'
Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright
But you should see the other guy
As far as anyone can see
Things are lookin' up these days
Only let 'em see this side of me
The one that's got it made
Doin' everything I know to do
To keep the truth
From runnin' through my mind
Yeah, I'm doin' fine
But you should see the other guy that's missin' you
Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home
Girl, he can't move on
And his heart still takes a beatin'
Just livin' with your leavin'
Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright
But you should see the other guy
But you should see the other guy that's missin' you
Late at night, he's wishin' you would come back home
Girl, he can't move on
And his heart still takes a beatin'
Just livin' with your leavin'
Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright
Yeah, it might look like I'm doin' alright
But you should see the other guy
Oh, you should see the other guy
30
@Katalin
170
30
@Ayah
51
20
@Vilte
68
15
@Radka
1530
30
@Fem
1,897
Last night I was on the selfish side of lonely when I called you
I was weak, I knew damn well that you'd pick up
When I told you that I missed you, I meant it
But we both know why we ended
There was nothin' left to say
So I guess I'll take the blame
Go ahead and hate me if you want to
Tell everybody that I did you wrong
That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue
And it was easy for me to just move on
When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight
Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night
But since I'm the one who said goodbye
You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me
And I will be the bad guy
Could've stayed yeah
When you said that you'd do better
And don't think I don't wonder
When I'm lyin' here wide awake
If I quit too soon, but baby
Yeah deep down, I knew the only way was out
So go ahead and hate me if you want to
Tell everybody that I did you wrong
That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue
And it was easy for me to just move on
When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight
Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night
But since I'm the one who said goodbye
You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me
And I will be the bad guy
Go ahead and hate me if you want to
Tell everybody that I did you wrong
That my blindsided slammin' door came out of the blue
And it was easy for me to just move on
When the truth is that I loved you but you waited too long to fight
Yours ain't the only heart that broke that night
But since I'm the one who said goodbye
You can be the good man who was only tryin' to love me
And I will be the bad guy
30
@Vincent
595
30
@Mathilda
0
18
@Jac
1,757
Well, I was passing by a pawn shop
In an older part of town
Something caught my eye
And I stopped and turned around
I stepped inside and there I spied
In the middle of it all
Was a beat up old guitar
Hanging on the wall
"What do you want for that piece of junk"
I asked the old man
He just smiled and took it down
And he put it in my hand
He said you tell me what it's worth
You're the one who wants it
Tune it up, play a song
And let's just see what haunts it
So I hit a couple of cords
In my old country way of strumming
And then my fingers turned to lightning
Man, I never heard it coming
It was like I always knew it
I just don't know where I learned it
It wasn't nothin' but the truth
So I just reared back and burned it
Well I lost all track of time
There was nothing I couldn't pick
Up and down the neck
Man, I never missed a lick
The guitar almost played itself
There was nothing I could do
It was getting hard to tell
Just who was playing who
When I finally put it down
I couldn't catch my breath
My hands were shaking
And I was scared to death
The old man finally got up
Said, "Where in the hell you been?
I've been waiting all these years
Just for you to stumble in"
Then he took down an old dusty case
And said go on and pack it up
You don't owe me nothing
And then he said good luck
There was something spooky in his voice
And something strange on his face
When he shut the lid
I saw my name was on the case