Family Guy - Who Else But Quagmire

Lois: ...Well I think you are the sweetest man in the whole world. Peter: Well this guy ain't going anywhere Lois. Hey let me tell you something. I know I haven't always been the perfect spouse. Lois: You do OK. Peter: I drink too much and leave the cans around the house. Lois: Well you do do that. Peter: And once I cleaned up Stewie's doody with your blouse. Lois: What?! Peter: I may be thoughtless. Lois: No you're not. Peter: I may be sloppy Lois: Well, a little Peter: I may be stupid. Lois: Well, a lot. Peter: But I'm yours Lois: You're figure isn't always what it ought to be. Peter: Eh, I gotta lose five pounds. Lois: But rollie-pollie belly's never bothered me. Peter: Thank you. Lois: Or that you scream for hours when you hurt your knee. Peter: (Breathes in) Ahh(breathes out). {Just like he did when he fell after finding the pawtucket scroll}. Peter: I may be chubby. Lois; Well, 296. Peter: I may be lazy. Lois: sorry, 298. Peter: I may be clumsy Lois: Only often Peter; But I'm yours Lois: What if one day a rapist attacked me? Peter: I would use him to mop up the street. Lois: You would? Peter: You bet. I got a left hook. Lois: What if he was big? Peter: I got a right hook Lois: What if he was a woman? Peter: I got a camera, freaking sweet. Peter/Lois: I/You may be brainless. Peter/Lois: I/You may be witless. Peter: I may be Irish. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: And would you wash the dishes if I asked you to? That kind of thing is every woman's dream come true. Peter: I'll do 'em when this very special Coach is through. Lois: Will you empty the trash? Peter: I got a backache. Lois: Will you fix the toilet? Peter: I got a headache. Lois: Will you vacuum the den? Peter: I got a penis Lois: You're a sexist. Peter: But I'm yours. Lois: They say a man should treat his lady like a prize. A goddess Greek to worship with adoring eyes. Peter: But I won't do that Greeky thing of humpin' guys. Peter: I may be phobic I may be stinky I may be farting {farts} But I'm yours. Lois: Would you brave any hurdle to save me? Peter: I would slay any foes by the scores. Lois: Lions? Peter: I got a shotgun. Lois: Tigers? Peter: I got a blowtorch. Lois: The Christian right? Peter: I got a porno. Lois: That'll do it. Peter: Cause I'm yours. Peter/Lois: I/You may be dopey. Peter/Lois: I/You may be messy. Peter/Lois: I may be Peter. Peter/Lois: And I'm yours. {Applause} Brian: Hey, you smell something? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What? Stewie: Oh, dear. Brian: What's the matter? Stewie: Oh you're not going to like this. Brian: What? Stewie: I just made a doody. Brian: Oh, God. Stewie: I'm sorry, it just slipped out unannounced. Brian: What do you mean "unannounced"? Stewie: Well, normally the doody schedules an exit interview before it departs, but this one seems to have no regard for protocol. Brian: Do you need a change? Stewie: No no, it's alright. Op, there's another one. Brian: Christ, let's hurry up and get to the next number. Here's a favorite of mine by the great Antonio Carlos Jobim.

Louis: It seems today, that all you see is violence in movies, and sex on T. V. Peter: But where are those good old-fashioned values, on which we used to rely? Brian: It used to be, a big time star was elegant as Garbo, or Hedy Lamarr. Stewie: But now we get whores like Jenny Lopez, you want to curl up and die. Lucky theres a Family Guy. Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the things that make us- Stewie: Laugh and cry! Hes a Family Guy! Louis: When I was young, the songs were fair, with Mister Johnny Mathis, and Sonny and Cher. Peter: But now we get Justin Timber-homo. Louis: A heartache all gone awry! Brian: The classic films were works of arts, the images were graceful, the stories were smart. Stewie: But now we get Matrix Revolution, Im sorry I know this doesnt rhyme, but what the hell were you Wachowski Brothers thinking?! Lucky theres a family guy, lucky theres a fella, sweeter than vanilla, wholesome as a piece of- Stewie: Apple Pie! Hes a family guy! Lois: His smiles a simple delight. Chris: He lets me see the boobies on the internet sites. Lois: Peter! Meg: He bought me my cute little hat. Brian: Yeah we should have a talk about that. About that! And his hat! Brian: Hes mastered the comedy arts. Stewie: He says, Look out, Hiroshima! Then casually farts. (fart sound effect) Lois: Hes loaded with sexy appeal. Peter: And best of all my titties are real. Have a feel! Brian: No thank you. Stewie: I gave it the office. Lois: The Brady Bunch has got their Mike and pretty Laura Petrie has Dicky Van Dyke. But who around here could fill those loafers? But heres a happy reply. Lucky theres a family guy. Lucky theres a man who positively can do all the thing that make us- Stewie: Laugh and Cry! Hes a Family Guy! Hes a Family Guy!!! Lois: Oh My! Thank you very much! What a welcome. Peter: I am gunna buy each and every one of you a beer after the show. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Im kidding for Christs sake, Im not serious. Thats expensive! Look, just the fact that I came up with the idea should tell you Im generous; I shouldnt actually have to spend any money. Meg: Uh, can we turn the spotlight down a bit? Brian: Yeah, it is a little bright. Stewie: You know Brian, I- I just noticed something. With that light shining on you from that angle, you look a lot like Jamie Farr. Brian: Yeah, youve told me that before and uh, its interesting, because Im thinking you look a lot like Britney Spears. Stewie: Really?! How so? Brian: Well, you- you got that thing going on with your eyes like Britney does. You know where You know how her eyes are just like a hair too far apart? Uh, a- a- almost like there was some immediate post-birth surgery that should have been done but it was the south, so they didnt have the medical technology. Stewie: Oh, I see. Chris: Mom! Lois: Yes honey? Chris: I have a wedgie. Lois: Chris, honey, wait until the intermission. Then you can fix it. Peter: Well, we got a lot of fun stuff lined up here tonight. We got music, we got comedy, we got behind the scenes crap from the show. Lois: Thats right! For example, not a lot of people know this, but in one episode of the show there was a flashback of Brian when he was a puppy. Now, they couldnt find a puppy who looked enough like him, so they actually built a dog suit for the scene, and the actor of inside the suit was Raven- Symoné, who was Olivia on the Cosby show. Brian: Fascinating bit of trivia. Peter: All right, okay, I got one for ya. You know the sound stage where we shoot Family Guy is the same stage where they shot the Golden Girls back in the 80s, right? Now one of the stage hands was telling me a- a pretty intense story. I guess there was one night when they were all ready to shoot, and uh, the audience was waiting. And uh, nobody could find Bea Arthur. So everybodys freaking out and uh, then one of the producers runs in and says Cancel the show tonight. Bea Arthurs in jail! Lois: Oh My God! Peter: Yeah. Apparently she had a little too much to drink before the show and uh, they found her standing on the street corner, exposing her penis to traffic. Brian: Oh My God! Meg: Ew! Thats Disgusting! Peter: Can you believe that? Brian: Wait a minute. How the hell can Bea Arthur have a penis? Peter: Eh, special permit. Stewie: I say, what is it with these actors? Theyre perfectly normal people in civilian life and then they come out to Hollywood and just go fucking berserk. Brian: You gotta watch your language, kid. Stewie: Oh, its a record album for Gods sake. Lets cut loose a bit. Chris: Nipples! Hehe. Stewie: Perfect example. Although I must say I am amazed at the language you can get away with on television these days. I- I was watching Law and Order the other night and I swear to god, I heard someone use the word balls. And I thought to myself, My God, that- that Dick Wolf just does whatever he damn well pleases, doesnt he? Bringing words like balls into Americas living rooms. I wonder how hed like it if I just walked into his living room a- and use the word balls. Brian: Uh I think that would be breaking and entering. Lois: You know, I am so glad they allowed us to bring Stewie this evening. The last show we did we had to leave him at home. They didnt allow babies in the theater. Brian: Well of course. People wanted to be able to enjoy the show Stewie: I am a show you lack-witted beetle head! Ugh! Oh what a night that was. My babysitter was a total bitch. Lois: Stewie! Thats very rude. Especially since your babysitter is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Hailey Duff. Hailey Duff: Hi Mr. And Mrs. Griffin Peter: Howre ya, sweetheart? Lois: So was it really that bad babysitting Stewie? Hailey Duff: You want the truth? Well, okay. So after you and Peter left for dinner, I- No. Wait a minute. Lets tell this story right. Please.

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies, and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry! He's a family guy!

Mamma used to say this You'll make it, even through the hard times All these boys are basic Don't chase it, falling for the same lines Still I've been reading stupid letters Wishing it get better, was a waste of time Waste of time Now I'm like whatever Get your act together, just shine your light Ohhh I don't need love songs I'm missing no one 'Cause I get higher when I'm on my own I ain't no Billie jean, no There ain't no in between I'm doing it for myself If not me, then who else? Dadadadada If not me, then who else? My dad made me fighter He taught me to stand up for myself When the going gets rough He gave me The recipe For inner peace Now, Look at me (yeah look at me now) Your Babygirl got tough Done with stupid letters Wishing it get better, was a waste of time Waste of time I'm still like whatever Get your act together, just shine your light Ohhh I don't need love songs I'm missing no one 'Cause I get higher when I'm on my own I ain't no Billie jean, no There ain't no in between I'm doing it for myself If not me, then who else? Dadadadada If not me, then who else? Dadadadada If not me, then who else?